Day 19: Saturday, April 8, 2023

I took a few days off from daily journaling because I want to allow myself to do this in a way that works for me. That means sometimes taking a break and being OK with it.

I think many people who try to accomplish. Things gets stuck when they can’t be perfect. In the past, I would’ve completely abandoned this journaling project because I had missed a few days. And the same would happen whenever I would try to lose weight.

I am working hard to change my mindset and that is not easy. Although I take medications to help manage my depression and anxiety, I haven’t yet found a pill that eliminates my desire for perfection.

But I’m getting better. Today I am writing in this journal. I also had a few bites of a doughnut, despite following a ketogenic diet. In the past, taking one bite of a doughnut would cause me to throw in the towel and give up all rules that I was previously trying to adhere to.

I don’t know what it is about food, dieting, exercise, and motivation that drives me towards excepting nothing less than perfection. But I know it’s there. And I know that it’s the cause of so much grief, stress, and ironically – failure.

So why not change?

So this is a first step, at least an early step if not first. Writing in this journal symbolizes me leaving perfection behind; and accepting the fact that no one is checking to see if I completed this task every day or not.

This is for me just like any other life choice that I make. And because perfection is not a reality, it is time to let that sh*t go. It is time to reclaim myself and my life so that I can achieve what I so desperately want in my soul.

Wegovy is also an early step away from perfectionism. This medication is helping me feel more in control of my food choices. I am on a short vacation this weekend, and at first I did not want to indulge in anything that I would consider a “fun” food: buffalo wings, pasta, donuts, brownies, french fries, wine, etc.

But life is for living. And this medication has helped me to be able to live; to enjoy fun foods without going on a complete unhinged binge.

I’ll take that as a great symbol on Easter weekend. A rebirth of sorts if you will, or me coming back to life after a long time of suffering.